Handsome Boy from the Modeling School

the past day has been aggravation to the 10th power. stupid computer and stupid problems. needless to say 5 years worth of music collecting is now GONE. vanished into thin air. all my music gone quicker than a mouse can fart. damn it all to hell.

i got sloan tickets today. so that means that em is coming down for a visit! hooray! i haven't seen her since september, so it will be nice to chat and whatnot ;-)
in other news: the house is ridiculously low on food. i haven't been grocery shopping in like 9 days or so... so now ryan and i are on can ration until tomorrow when i have a chance to go buy food. my crickets aren't doing so well in my experiment. after 1 full day, there is already a high mortality rate amongst the high density treatments. so emily and i decided that we would see what happens over the next few days. i think that maybe the density was too high, and the populations will normalize around 4-6. if not, then we have to start again, and massing and marking all those crickets was not fun. in fact it took 3 and a half hours to setup. hopefully we won't have to start again. i don't want to.

-sean

huh... its been a few days... and its not because i am lazy. i am unable to access my blog from home for some reason. i dunno what is going on, but at least i can get to it from school.

i am still sick... fuckin hell. i spent all day yesterday writing these two stupid lab reports up. one for plant bio and one for animal behavior. i also spent the day feeling sick and coughing. so what did i do today? i ran. i thought that maybe some healthy actions would be good at this point, to stimulate the old immune system. it was a good run, i haven't because of illness and my tendonitis. the knee began to hurt a bit at the 4.5 km point but it was bearable. tomorrow morning i am going to do my ab and arm stuff, just to alternate. maybe that will be less stress on the knee, every other day. i love running so much, i can't believe how much of a part of my life it has become. my resting heart rate is the high 50s... when i got home from my run, even though i felt good i began to hack like a 60 year old smoker. what a trade off. bleh.

today i start my animal behavior experiment. crickets in high and low densities. we will see how it turns out. to be honest, i'm a little nervous about it. i am with emily, a high achiever and i don't want to disappoint. our experimental design and procedure is the most complicated one in the class, in my opinion. i hope the results turn out. it would be great if we got something meaningful. who knows, maybe it will be published? hahaha, yah right.

-sean

ghandi was right. humans, as individuals are so insignificant. for instance i can count the people who care for me on one hand. no one would notice if i just stayed in bed all day except ryan, and that is just because he lives with me. i could climb everest and my mother would be proud. thats it. but ghandi also said whatever you are, be a good one. what am i? i am a person who needs to help others. a person who cares. a person so would give you the last of what i had, just so you would feel better about yourself. i am happiest when others are happy. and no one around me really is that happy. sometimes i get just so sad...

it is these kind of nights that tug at my heart and make me feel lonely...
another day another dollar i suppose

i walk skies like luke
feelin sick, might puke
damn this cold, damn it to somewhere warm

-sean

one thing my mother taught me is to be forgiving and understanding. i guess thats why i have been thinking lately of apologizing. i'm not sure how or by what means, but i think i should.
everyone that i speak to says i don't need to. that things fall apart. but it takes two to tango. i had a part. even though i didn't lie or obfuscate half-truths, i did participate. people bite back. and boy did i bite.

i am eating ice cream for supper.

what the hell? elliott smith, one of the most talented folk/indie singer/guitar god (in fingerpicking terms) killed himself. but not with the traditional rock star drug overdose. he stabbed himself in the chest with a knife. why? he was so talented... gorgeous voice, thoughtful (and sometimes sad) lyrics and intricate guitar work. damn. what a waste. i would suggest buying his albums before they are all gone from the shelves. it won't be long.

in other, more silly and nonsensical news, i am playing the song "thats the way love goes" by janet jackson a stupid amount. it reminds me of the early ninties when it came out. playing and watching basketball all the time, getting pizza at nipoli's pizza just down lakeshore. being in grade 5. trading skybox basketball cards (they were the coolest! they had these weird designs on them and only showed the player and not the court). it was good times... some of the best. i still had a lot of my innocence then. didn't really understand the evil that man (or woman for that matter) can do.

i like thursdays now. after social science/gym (whatever is running that week) matt and i come back here and get lunch before work. its great because we talk about girls and silly stuff. yah, matt lillie actually talks about girls. i am shocked too. he and i are becomming closer. its good. :-) its nice to have someone in your cornor who is objective and believes in you. its been a while...

i went on a field trip today for social science to some pioneer village near south hills. it was ok, it was, after all, an educational trip. we got to sit in a one room schoolhouse and visit a mill. no fireworks, but at least we weren't behind desks.

later days
-sean

i wonder how my darling Aiko is doing. She was afterall, MY pretty baby. i even gave her the name she bears today. i wish i gave up more resistance... dah well. i have the only two pictures i have of her on my wall above my computer monitor. in one she is looking into the camera contemptuously, like a proud lioness. my little hunter, heheh. when we first got her, she wasn't much of a cat. she didn't know how to stalk or pounce. and heaven knows she didn't land lightly like a cat. but we played with her and she got better, in steps. i wonder where she is at now with those skills... in the second picture, she is climbing into the fridge, caught in the act but not looking at all guilty. (that was certainly her personality) she would climb into the fridge because we kept a bowl in the fridge in hopes to keep it humid. the fridge would (and still does) dry out vegtables, especially broccoli, and make them limp and unapplealing. and Aiko loves water. so she would climb into the fridge when we would open it to get some of that cold water. hahaha. i also miss her morning signing. she would greet dawning sunny days by meowing gently, sitting in the window well.
i miss that cat, dearly. she was a part of my life a mere few months but she really did have a loving impact on me. but such are the artifacts of splitting. my trade off was the vegtable steamer. i don't even use it.

-sean

i had the most wonderful dream last night. it was about sleeping. hahaha! i was in bed and there was a female next to me. it was just a faceless female, it didn't matter who it was. i remember that it was just so nice to share a bed, to have someone sleep next to me. it was a nice dream.
...as the strokes say "someday"...

-sean

people have been asking for more wav files of the songs i hope to put on my ep. so here are two instrumental tidbits...
enjoy
Rachael Carson
I-Haul

-sean

my lion hairs are becomming more of a lion mane! i'm getting to the point where i should trim them, or let them grow along with the rest of my face. its already the longest its ever been, and i still have 13 months before i trim it down for my teaching blocks. i think at this point i will let them grow, because no one cares if i do or not. they only bug me when i eat, and i don't kiss anyone, so no one complains about that, so i'm clear. hahahah ;-p

i feel even worse today. i kept coughing in plant bio and drinking water. i can't seem to kick this thing to the curb. but then again, i would be healthy by now if i had stayed home on saturday. but that was too much fun. its a fair trade off.

i feel really bad for my friend going through this break up thingie. (she asked me not to use her name, btw) she is really sad and dejected. i know the pain she is going through... but i also realize that its even more painful trying to make another see their possible folly. its just better to say 'hey, this person doesn't want me in their life. their loss. given time i will make someone else happy, and someone else will make me happy." easier said than done i know, but it can be done.

work has begun on the storefront under my apartment where the car drove into the window. it makes an aweful racket but it will be nice once they fix it up. i hate that plywood they put up as a temporary solution. it made it look like i lived in a slum.

later kids
-sean

what is it with people and breaking up? another one of my friends has broken up. that makes couple number 6 with relationship troubles that i know. what the hell? is it a virus that is being passed around? seriously, this has gotta stop people! don't give up! work things out. lets not make the same mistakes our parents (the divorce generation) have made. who knows what will come of going through adversity together! anyways...

man am i feeling good about things. just things in general. i guess the visit i had with my dad helped with that. i feel all bright and cheery inside. like my old self before the summer of nonsense happened (thats what i am calling this past summer, the summer of nonsense). i'm even feeling like starting with my activism again, but not centered on veganism, but on corporate and government responsibility. i want to start a zine, but i gotta pitch it to a financial backer. we will see what happens with that. i'm not sure what i want to do, i just need to generate something other than lab reports and essays on topics i have no interest in. and i'm glad that i am feeling optimistic and upbeat about things. being a nihilist wasn't working out so well for me. i don't make a very good eeore and that rain cloud over my head was blocking too much sunshine for my taste.

only ten days till halloween... i need to organize a costume for that party soon.

later kids
-sean

I love Harper's Index. September 2003

My favorite being this little tidbit...

Maximum number of miles that Ford's most fuel-efficient 2003 car can drive on a gallon of gas : 36
Maximum number its 1912 Model T could : 35
Source: Ford Motor Co. (Dearborn, Mich.)

Holy mother of god. Doesn't that bother you? I am begining to read all sorts of interesting things. I have all of Michael Moore's documentaries and have been reading some of the things he suggests on his web site (you can see it here). I am getting angry and disgusted. Now i suppose is the time to do something about it.

I just finished watching "The Big One." The documentary explores downsizing in america during the late 1990s. some corporations were turning a huge amount of profit and were closing up shop in the states and moving to mexico. The factory that made Pay Day candy bars in Centralia Mi made 20 million dollars the year before they shut down. The company was not under financial strain, and the future looked quite bright for the factory. Except the factory was shut down and moved to mexico where they would pay workers 80 cents an hour rather than 8 dollars an hour in the states. and how did the factory workers find out? by a video from head office! a video! reminds me of being dumped by e-mail after two years. no courtesy. so the take home message is, do well, make 20 million dollars in just one factory and see your job evaporate so the parent corporation can make more money by moving to mexico. way to go.

hahaha, i just finished reading what i posted this morning when i got home. oh boy, that was an agry, broken post. truth of the matter is i had a great time. i don't really remember what i got worked up about in the first place, but hot damn, thats some funny stuff. maybe its because i missed the last bus and had to walk home. or maybe its because i flared up my goddamn knee again playing football at 2:30am at some park. i dunno.
my dad came down for a visit today. took ryan and i out for lunch. it was good just to catch up and chew the fat and whatnot. he also reminded me that people live their lives regardless and independently of our own. i think it was in reference to the aformentioned posting from last night. oh i can be a funny kid sometimes. i still have to finish this stupid journal assignment for monday. what a pain in the boom-boom. other people are counting on me so i should complete it soon. :-

huh. so i had too much to drink. i think its okay... the last time was in august.
so i saw a girl i was crunching on at big bucks tonight. dancing with some kid with a faux mohawk. prolly shaved it in his head that day. what an alternative kid to come to bucks where they play top 40. yah buddy, you are cool. i hate it when females be runnin games with you. telling you partial truths and stuff. i won't be played again, thats for sure. on the other hand it was good to see the boys from first year again. man, it seemed like no time had passed by. those kids are decent. Honorable even. ;-p
in other news, i saw kim tonight. one of my "friends" who happened to jump ship once a certain female decided to leave me for someone else. she was all pretending to be my friend and shit in pita pit. was all smiles and laughs and camaraderie. bump that noise. pretend not to see me in the computer commons when she knew i was there. i don't forget. put that false friendship up on someone else, fool. "fair-weather friends" as my mother puts it. from time to time she can be a very intelligent and insightful woman. i'm glad that there isn't anyone up in my ear telling me otherwise or clouding my judgment in that regard. i'm glad i get to find this all out before she dies. (and lord knows, it won't be long.) basically, tonight was a big 'fuck you' to those who hurt me, or try to hurt me. i can't be kept down motherfuckers, no matter how much you hurt me.

i am really sick. "sick as a dog" as the bether would put it. i find myself appreciating when someone is around to take care of me, if it be the bether or someone else. it sucks being sick and alone. i also find myself appreciating good health because i think i take that for granted.

i made an interesting post on the busu boards about capitalism. its an interesting argument, one that actually makes sense even though i feel as though a truck ran over me, many times.

i recently got a copy of bowling for columbine and i plan on watching it today. i also need to do groceries. another steller, exciting day! woohoo!

hey rach, this is for you. sing it loud and proud ;-p
Try to see it my way
Do I have to keep on talking till I can't go on
While you see it your way
Run the risk of knowing that or love may soon be gone
We can work it out
We can work it out

Think of what you're saying
You can get it wrong and still you think that it's all right
Think of what I'm saying
We can work it out and get it straight or say good night
We can work it out
We can work it out

Life is very short and there's no time
For fussing and fighting, my friend
I have always thought that it's a crime
So I will ask you once again

Try to see it my way
Only time will tell of I am right or I am wrong
While you see it your
There's a chance we might fall apart before too long
We can work it out
We can work it out

Life is very short and there's no time
For fussing and fighting, my friend
I have always thought that it's a crime
So I will ask you once again

Think of what you're saying
You can get it wrong and still you think that it's all right
Think of what I'm saying
We can work it out and get it straight or say good night
We can work it out
We can work it out

there was an accident outside on st paul and ontario, pretty much underneath my living room window. two cars ran into each other head on and two others side swiped on ontario st and one drove into the store front window. no one was hurt... so i will laugh. hahahahaha.
the best part of all of this is that there was an ambulance waiting to turn onto st paul when this was happening, so there was someone on the scene right away. oh goodness!

-sean

i miss having baths with someone else. not the sexual aspect of it, just for the fact that someone else is there with you. either holding someone or being held in that warm, soothing environment. its all quiet and peaceful. you can feel warm gentle skin against your own and just lay there lost in your own thoughts of anything, or of the person that is there with you. its one of my favorite things.

btw, i am sick. goddammit.

just watched the movie kids. casper said it right when he said "jesus christ, what happened" it is a brilliant film. and the scary part is that it happens.

i think i'm coming down with an illness. i haven't been truly sick for about four years. i have had inflamed this and that, a sore throat for an afternoon but not really sick. its going to be an experience i suppose.

i got thinking today 'will he know to make her an afternoon snack when she is hard at work?' she can't concentrate on an empty stomach... huh. one of those eternal questions that may or may not get answered. truth be told i don't really care. it was just something worth pondering in my spare time. she also needs the last of almost everything. and your own food is never really your own food. it belongs to her too. dah well.

in stomach news i think i have got another stress/spice ulcer or some sort of stomach aggravation. momma mia! no spicy food for the next while! Probably a good thing. it is getting to the point where i add suicide sauce like ketchup. Probably not that good for the old system.

in knee news i was able to be moderately active on it for about two hours before it got sore. But it didn't feel like it was going to buckle or snap completely, which is good news. i will try my running again in a week. that should be enough time.

later days

-sean

guess who opened for radiohead? fuckin KID KOALA!!!! holy baby jesus in a manger was he excellent. he is dropping a new album this winter (feb he said) keep your eyes and ears peeled.
radiohead was pretty good. they played quite a mix of old a new and came back to do a 30 min encore. the whole show was 3 hours, not too bad for 60 bucks.
i find that concerts have become so cliche though. it seems ever show has the crowd surf, the lighter held up, the sing-a-long song and the fake encore. it seems so played out to me. when i am rich and famous and have my own stadium shows i will once again re-invent the rock show.
more about the concert tomorrow. i have to be on a bus in 6 hours for plant bio (grr)

-sean

guess who is going to the radiohead show tonight in TO? ME! rachael told me there was a spare ticket so its mine :-) . im pretty stoaked.
in other news i watched hackers - takedown this morning, the story behind the arrest of Kevin Mitnik. I have no idea why they busted his balls so much. He didn't do anything overly illegal. americans love their constitution and amendments, but only when it suits them best. Kevin had to be the scapegoat it seems. fucking american logic.
november 1st can't come soon enough.
-sean

WARNING!
I have come to the conclusion that i am bad luck when it comes to people and their relationships. matt & rebecca, rachael & tolga, derrick & jamie, april & kyle. since they have known me they have ALL had trouble with their relationships. so, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!! :-P
seriously though, i have bad luck. but that is nothing new to me. i broke a lot of mirrors as a child and it is comming back to haunt me, my family and friends. i can handle the bad luck. damn, its all the luck i've ever really had. i'm used to it. but, if you want to have good luck i would consider limiting your exposure to me. could be hazardous.
-sean

another hurricane system unleashes its fury upon southern ontario. no nice weather until saturday. i'm glad i had an opportunity to enjoy the sunshine this morning. i think i saw orca (aka sarah) of all people today getting on the bus to get home from school today. what a twist of fate that would be. why would she be here of all places? huh. i should talk to neige and see what is going on with that. wouldn't that be interesting. having all my ex-girlfriends in one place. they could all gang up on me and make life a living hell. hahahah.
-sean

what is it about sunshine that makes you feel so content. like everything will be great?

i hate it when you expect one thing and receive another. i have no love for tuesday and thursday. this is because i have to sit through an hour and a half of plant bio and then animal behavior. i can get through plant thinking that animal will be next. i really like animal behavior. anyways, i get there and there is a post on the door. no class today. fuckin hell! i could have slept in. blah!

hey, i just made my first song (very rough idea until i get a better mic) for an ep i am working on. its really rough. if i decide that i am brave enough i will post it here.


later...

yah ok, here it is. The very rough first edition. its not like a million people look at this thing anyways.

- sean

Well here it is. The second blog. The first was made primarily for someone else. This one is made for me. Enough of that.
Thanksgiving at the Bether's
Those who know me know about my mother, "The Bether". She is an unusual person and I could dedicate volumes to what she puts me through, but I won't. Ryan and I arrived home on Sat the 11th for thanksgiving. I explicitly told mom that we would be there between 5:00 and 5:30 so I was half surprised to find that she wasn't there when Ryan and I arrived. We waited about for around ten minutes before we went across the street to the plaza to kill the time. On the way there I found a twenty dollar bill. But this was no ordinary twenty, it was fake. Really fake. So fake that it felt like regular paper and the hologram was peeling off. I had to try it out to see if it worked though. What's good about finding money that you can't use? So we went into Sobeys and picked up some chocolate soy milk. I headed for the line of registers and found the youngest cashier i could. It was pretty busy and she looked uninterested in what she was doing. The perfect victim. So it rang through and i handed her the fake twenty. She looked at it for half a second and i thought that was it, we are busted. But she opened the till and got me my change. Hot damn, free real money and something to drink. Ryan and i head back home and tried the back door again. No mom. So ryan and i sat down and drank almost all 1.89L of the soy milk. Then we found a tennis ball and started throwing it at the windows. We hear someone yell something unintelligible and know its mom. She comes rumbling down the stairs and lets us in. We ask her where she has been for the past hour. "Oh, i was in bed boys." Great. Welcome home Sean and Ryan.

I actually spoke with mom for about an hour that day. Asking her about her work and such. She sounded really good. The best she has been since pop left. She is starting to get her shit together which is good i suppose. Its been a long time comming.

Dream #1
I've had this one before. It has tortured me since early July, always similar but different each time. I'm in this weird luge race on the street. I'm up against faceless people in motorcycle suits. We race down to the street. I'm winning, but not by much. The other racers strike me but i eventually win. i come to the winner's circle and there she is, laughing a cruel, hurtful laugh. Her eyes, jovial, melodic... loving the fact that this is hurting me. I can't move, can't turn, can't walk away. This laughter haunts me, hurts me to the core. But this time is new. Kelly is in the arms of some faceless male. Soothed and rocked while she laughs. Then the laughter stops. She shouts so all can hear "I'll never hurt you like that! I don't know what i'll do if you die! I want to have babies!" Mocking laughter ensues. I woke up with a wet face, tears streaming down into the cornors of my mouth. It took thirty minutes to settle back into slumber.

Dinner
All day i felt unsettled by that fucking dream. I haven't had it for weeks i said to myself. I tried to calm down but no avail. There was a small pressure in the bottom of my throat which brings tears. I swallowed it all day. That dream cut deep. I sat down to dinner. A lovely vegan dinner that my mother put together for me. (Mom has some issues, but the woman can cook.) Suddenly, the thought of the after dinner call came to mind. I wouldn't be having one this year. The pressure finally gave way and quiet tears began to run down my face. I leaned over to smell the smells and two tears landed into my mashed potatos. Ryan saw this and began rubbing my shoulder. Mom saw Ryan rubbing my shoulder and started crying too. We both have our deamons it seems. I couldn't hold it, couldn't control it. I spilled all over my plate. At least i wouldn't need to add salt. The tears provided all the salt i needed.

It was good to cry i suppose. I haven't in an extraordinarily long time. Probably begining of second year. And after all that has happened with Kelly, my health, my poor beautiful dog, my mother and my father's Doreen shananagans, it was time for a release on the old pressure valve i guess. All that hurt and anger culminated into me not needing salt.

Dream #2
All was peaceful and calm after supper. I felt as good as i had before i came to mom's house. I have been dealing with things exceptionally well so i am told, so i was surprised by all this outpour. Anyways, and i slept a dream which used to bring me much joy entered my mind, but it was perverted and polluted by those feelings experianced earlier that day. I get a call from the hospital. My babies are ready to be seen. I'm so happy and proud. I enter the maternity ward and the nurse hands me my twin boys. A beaming smile erupts from my lips, but then disapears when i look down upon the faces of these newborns. There is no face! No mouth, eyes, nose lips. Nothing. I run to a room where Kelly is laying in a hospital bed. She asks me what is wrong. I hold them up to her and she looks puzzeled. Those aren't yours! she states. Walking out from the cornor is that same faceless bastard that i saw the night before! He kisses her gently on the forehead and he begins to laugh. She begins to laugh. The babes begin to laugh. It all stops and in a mocking tone Kelly chimes in "I'll always love you!" I awake, confused. Laying on my mothers couch i begin to ball like a child who just scraped their knee. I look at the clock. 6:15am. I get dressed and go for a short walk in hopes of calming down.

I was done with all this nonsense! I had things figured out and was making good progress. I have no idea where this sprung up from. After all, its freeing being single. Dah well.